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| So I'm here in Newark. Hurrah...
I have to say. New Jersey really is the biggest shit hole I've been to so far, and I've seen more ghetto things here than a person should see in a life time.
I'm here for work, actually. Testing kids and administering an assessment. That hasn't gone so bad, but I will say that when they play Beyonce clips to signal the morning announcements... you know youz straight in da hood.
I had three pretty easy girls to deal with though as I watched them it was sad to say that you could just see where they were being shaped to head in the future. One little girl really excelled, one passed by and the other lagged behind.
One of the kinds ended up not showing up because she was on long-term medical leave because she had been shot at a food market a few weeks ago because she was in the line of fire. It was completely sad, and just reminded me of a more extreme version of home.
On a more self-centered note, I've been outlet shopping here a lot despite the fact that I'm broke. I have to say it's a different world to me. I'm still plus size granted... but I'm not SO plus sized that I can shop at regular stores now so I went to a bunch of places I've never been before. Can you imagine that I bought something at Anne Taylor Loft? Kerri will rub off on me yet it seems...
The funny thing is all I could do was stare in the mirror and think how much I hate my body. Back to self loathing I guess. I wish people understood that better... and why my PCOS makes me so... hateful of every inch of my self-image. There are so many things about me physically I can't stand that I wish I could just disappear sometimes. Also my body is so differently shaped than others. The idea of nudity is rather disgusting to me. At least my own.
My life is all over the place. I'm not certain I know what's going on with me actually. I've never felt like I had everything together and nothing together at all at the same time. A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion I was bi... though I've considered myself bi-curious for some time. But, I've un-admittedly been not really certain about it. This whole question mark with Savannah really has me floored. I think about her more than I mean to sometimes and I have feelings I'm not certain I'm ready to call anything more than strong adoration. Nor ones I'm ready to realy figure out. I'm just getting to know her and see what happens. I've never considered this kind of thing before nor a long-distance thing. It can't be easy, though maybe with me it may be.
More importantly I might add, as I stared at myself today I felt like maybe I wasn't good enough for her. So. That's it in a nutshell I guess. Once you figure out what to do with that let me know.
You know what's funny? I've never thought about how others would react if I was bisexual before, but it's funny how weird I feel about even mentioning these thoughts to my mother or some friends. My mother is generally understanding but...coming out with "btw... I'm not certain if I think I have sexual and emotional feelings for a girl" will fair with her... even in the long-term. But I guess I should stop worrying about that right now.
Sav baked me some cookies and drew me a picture of us. How f---ing adorable is that? She's into drawing and all, but I just find it sweet. She made me some fortune cookies cause I requested cookies with messages jokingly. Which can be good and bad since the messages will make me more likely to eat them, which my flabby stomach doesn't need.
Oh, bad food temptations. How you attempt to seduce me.
Speaking of bad food, I will say that Newark's Wendy's Spicy Asian Chicken combo is the best shit ever. I think maybe it's a test state or they cater to the ghettoness of the area but my compliments to the chef. God damn..
I'm not sure what's going on with school. I have to email the guy about orientation. I think my online class has 4 classroom hours? I don't get what that means. I'm concerned I'll have to withdrawal without getting much of my money back. But I can't do on campus hours. Not with work the way it is. If that was the case i'd get a part-time job.
But, I suppose it's not the end of the word. Oh well... early rise tomorrow. I suppose I'll take a bath and relax before bed. Until later.
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| So I'm sitting here at work, having busted my balls for the last 5 hours or so and a song came on that reminded me of being a kid. I've always been a melodramatic individual, even as far back as 4th grade. I remember my first crush moved away over the summer... the little mixed boy I had a crush on.
I'm sure most of you have heard of him. Emilio Stokes. The one that we'd play Santa's workshop outside and I'd sit with my friends and pick honeysuckles for "Christmas presents" while he ran around the basketball courts with my other friends and a jump rope, which they'd pretend to be a reindeer pulled sleigh. I used to be so excited cause I was Ms.Claus and he was Santa. It made my life content at the age of 9 or 10.
Once he moved away I think my little CF heart broke. I was never really boy crazy. Sure, I was into porn pretty young but I had guy issues much like I do now so it was a big things for me to like a boy at that age. Once he moved, that summer I listened to that Expose song on repeat. I vividly remember traveling to Pennsylvania with my cassette single, and singing in the backseat.
"As long as the stars shine down
From the heavens
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me "
A little overly dramatic, ne ? Especially for a boy I never told that I liked him, or that I even doubted knew I had a thing for him. But I remember listening to that all summer and crying a lot. As if he was my meant to be soulmate. As if the world had come crashing down around me.
Has my reactions to life really changed that much since ? Haha. That's debatable. But at least I can see the humor in it now.
I feel strange today. I told a bunch of people I needed space that I talk to on a normal basis. They're too dramatic and I just don't feel like I can handle being in the middle of stupid shit right now. It's been maybe 12 hours and I feel a sense of myself returning. How strange.
It's funny. I see things sometimes people don't want to admit and when they overlook these things I tend to get throughly frustrated. Last night was a bad mental night. Savannah, which is this girl I talk to everyday set me off because she... just allows herself to be constantly treated like shit by this guy who doesn't give a shit about her except when his other friends aren't around. He's such a drama queen and I'm pretty sure he's gay. Sav is bi herself. I... just don't get it.
I mean I remember being blinded by things like that. But... I completely thought she had learned and I was helping her through. I even completely was ready to break up our little online group over it and then after I go through shit she decides she is going to talk to his little pansy ass after all.
I don't know why this set something off in me but it did. I don't know why I allow myself to get attached to people so easily sometimes. It's funny with as much energy as I spend trying to run away from people, how often I find myself attached to people's presence, whether I speak to them often or not.
Once I trust someone, I always trust wholeheartedly even against my better judgement. My father always pulled this on me. And he still does once in awhile. Telling me one thing and then never following through. The frustrating thing is though, as much as I tell myself not to trust him... if he came to me today and said "I love you, and I'm gonna do this for you and the family wants to do that with you..", whatever lie it turned out to be... I would believe him. All because it's what I want to believe. It's what my heart wants to hear.
Why do we always look for this acceptance when we know it's not good for us ? I wish I knew. As I was laying and crying over a bunch of things last night, I thought of grandma. I though about how lonely I've felt since she died. I never really thought about it before, but there's a physical loss I've been feeling without her. The only person I've ever been so affectionate with. Sometimes I just really miss having someone to hug and kiss.
Sometimes I want someone in my life just to hold and lay against. But, I don't want them, because I hate me so much that I think everyone else will too. Most of it is my own physical appearance, but I'm just uncomfortable with who I am in general. And... no matter how much my looks change or I feel like I grow, these insecurities remain. Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever go away.
Why is what i see so ugly ? Why do I have these feelings for myself ? Why can't I learn to love me as easily as others do ?
How come I always have more questions than answers ? *sigh*
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| Sometimes I don't understand myself or my life very well. It honestly thoroughly confuses me on a daily basis but I find that I learn new things about me everyday, for better or for worse.
I'm listening to the song "Unwell" by Matchbox 20 and it reminds me of who I once was. That used to be my theme song. I was so outwardly a mess and inwardly as well. I don't claim that I'm not one now but I don't think it's the same. I can control myself better on the outside, and I am learning how to at least maintain myself I think. Or how to handle my moods, my outward emotions... though I have moments where I slid back into my old scary self.
Is that called growth ? And are we ever truly satisfied with ourselves ? I don't really know. I wonder sometimes but I do know that at the very least as sad as I am sometimes, I think I'm a little happier than I was a few years ago. And that's at the very least an accomplishment.
I still don't understand what it is that makes me take certain things so personally. It is a character flaw I'll have to continually work on but I realize that people do what they need to, to get by and feel contented themselves. Their opinions or actions are not always a reflection on you, but on themselves and their needs. I just have to learn on applying that to my own emotions.
Eh. What has me in this mood this morning ? A number of things actually. A lot of people I know dealing with a lot of heartache and things. My own internal musings over a few things. Just one of those days I guess where I think a lot. Good luck to the rest of the world in dealing with me. ^_^;
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| Ugh.
I'm not quite certain why I'm here right now but for some reason I felt compelled to bitch/pour my heart out to a computer screen.
I'm in a weird mood today. My life has been rather confusing lately. I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm bi-sexual. At the very least, bi-curious. The funny thing is that it's not as if anything has changed but I've reevaluated a lot of my past and sort of simply come to that conclusion.
I was thinking back on it and I sort of realized there have been females that I'm pretty sure I had some rather strong feelings for. There was Kelly, which was a strange relationship. Not that it was ever sexual, but it was totally one of the strongest emotional bonds I think I ever felt with someone. We always used to talk about how our relationship would be if one of us were a male and sometimes I used to wish so hard that one of us was.
That was by no means a healthy relationship for either of us in what we needed, but I've never felt so completely not-judged. I've also never so-blindly just followed after someone else's beliefs before. For whatever that's worth. It's weird sometimes that we drifted apart as I have to admit a number of the changes in me over the past few years are what I learned from my friendship/relationship with her and a few others.
When it comes to women, I think that's really what it is for me. It's the feelings. I just yearn for something beyond what I've ever felt towards a male. I find women to be gorgeous. The female form is beautiful, it's curves and all have always intrigued me. But, I think any relationship I would have with a female would ultimately come down to my comfort, trust and emotional bond I'd feel towards her. A understanding, sincerity and acceptance I don't think I've ever felt with a man before. It's not so much the physical or sexual components. Those are secondary.
After thinking about it all, I've decided Rob doesn't count anymore really or any of the other men who I've turned out to have feelings for, only to realize they're gay. Neither do any of the men I've dated that end up just wanting a vagina around. In honesty, I've never grown up around men and I just have this tendency not to trust them. They're like children to me in the sense that I have no idea what to say to them about 75% of the time. I'm sure in part this relates back to my father. But, I'm done dealing and fighting those feelings and making sense of them. Though I can imagine it leads back to rejection and abandonment issues.
I recall this chart back in college about sexuality. It was called the Kinsey Scale that we learned about in psychology. I think I fall about a one on there as of right now. Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual but I wonder sometimes why we make sexuality such a big deal at all ?
Perhaps I'm simply asexual after all. *shrugs*
These are all things I've been considering lately. But my current problem is Liz again. I say "again" as if I've ever talked about her before. To one or two people I have. She's some girl that's younger than me that I have this emotional attachment I don't quite understand. I sometimes wonder if it's stronger feelings than I admit but then part of me questions if it's a motherly sort of thing at times.
She disappeared for a few days, about a week or so and when I talked to her yesterday I felt overwhelmingly upset. I can still feel this sadness that I don't quite understand completely. Though I get it to a degree.
Does anyone else have this problem of needing to be needed ? I often do. It's a perpetual thing for me, I think brought on by my low self-esteem. I NEED people to NEED me. And, to need me more than I need them. This isn't true of all my relationships but about 90% of them it is.
And the reason is because if they don't need me... why would they choose to stay ? This is the reason why I always fall for the broken and desperate. The ones that have such a sad story in their lives. I always want to be their salvation. Their white knight... to save them from themselves. But, ultimately no one can save them but themselves and when I run out of me to give, I am the one resented for not being there for them 100% of the time or for being the scapegoat for their problems.
A classic pattern over and over again that I seem to fall into. When will I learn that it's not the key to happiness ? When will I be comfortable enough with who I am physically, mentally and emotionally that I don't need to search for validation and acceptance from others who can't find it in themselves ?
I don't know. But once I found out Liz didn't really need me last night, I sort of broke down and cried. She disappeared and I was completely worried that she was dealing with her depression all on her own, because I thought only I could help her. But, when she left... she had someone else to talk with. Someone who she seems to be thriving being around without the drama of everyone else around. Her life seems to be better when I'm not around to help... which hurts a lot in ways I don't entirely understand.
It's funny how knowing that people are better off without you around. Or that they don't really need you anymore. No matter which one of you it is that has outgrown the other or what simple explanation puts it at the fault on other unrelated things. Like, more time away from situations and more time for focus on other things.
This has caused me to be such an emotional fool today, which makes me feel even more foolish. Having to try not to cry on the bus this morning, feeling that a bus driver giving me a helping hand was like salvation.
Oh. What am I to do with me ?
I was listening to the song "Tourniquet" by Evanescence today. I always feel a strong bond to that song despite the fact that I don't relate to it completely. I relate in the fact that I've attempted suicide long ago in the past. But, I have no connection to the Christian themes of forgiveness that everyone interprets it as. I suppose personally I interpret it differently.
Not that I believe the words are wrong but it's simply certain lyrics that I pay attention to and the emotional haze and feelings of being lost behind them.
I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more.
(So much more)
I'm dying,
And I'm pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal.
I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
Do you remember me ?
Lost for so long.
Will you be on the other side ?
Will you forgive me ?
I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
(Return to me salvation)
(I want to DIE!)
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My wounds cry for the grave.
My soul cries, for deliverance.
Will I be denied ?
Christ! Tourniquet! My suicide.
I interpret these certain lyrics towards myself. Being a borderline atheist, I feel I am my own personal god; my own savior since I believe only I can save myself.
Though I know it was written with the intent of a suicidal individual asking for god to forgive and save them, for me it has a different meaning. It's more a song about learning and asking myself to save me. To stop myself from the actions and emotional bleeding/hemorrhaging I cause myself to feel. To stop me from internally killing myself.
And as I said before, I believe that ultimately you can only save yourself. Others are simply stepping stones to support you along the way. I think maybe that is and that's why I relate to this song. I take it as a "Cf... save yourself and stop causing yourself all this pain.", sort of thing. Hmm. Maybe that's it. I've always wondered...
Oh well. Off to work I guess. Until later. I'm done musing.
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| So, I'm listening to the New Kids On The Block Christmas Album right now (circa 1989/90 or something like that)... and I'm mildly concerned at how much of this thing I remember.
It's funny. As I listen I can remember me ages ago, being a six year old little girl playing in my grandmother's room with my New Kids On The Block barbie dolls as I carried around my fisher price radio/tape player that I used to take with my everywhere. I remember singing at the top of my lungs and prancing around the room.
My poor family. They were so tolerant.
God, I remember my mother in the kitchen and living room with my grandmother. She'd always be baking around the holidays, making all kinds of cookie for her cookie exchanges. She'd make those homemade whoopie pie/oreo cookie things.
I'd sit with my grandmother and mother as we watched Christmas cartoons and taped them. God, I used to watch that stupid glow worms special, the garfield special and that santa bear special over and over again. All year long. My grandmother was the only one other than me who didn't get tired of watching Christmas shows in the dead of summer or spring.
It's funny how something like that can bring back such memories.
It's the first time I felt all warm and fuzzy all day.  I may have to by that album just to the memories it spawns.
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