So, I went out with Katie today for a little and saw the new MJ movie. It was pretty strange to say the least. There's something about watching something where you already know the tragic end that makes it depressing though I am damn impressed with how amazing of a show that would have been. And rarely do you get a glimpse like that into what someone with that sort of vision goes through when they're creating.
Sadly, it made me really introspective. There was one song that he performs. "Earth Song" where he had this rather artistic mini-flim that played before he preformed. It had the most adorable girl I've ever seen running through this field or meadow. She's surrounded by the beauty of nature, gorgeous waterfalls, lush green vegetation, flowers and butterflies fluttering around. As she finishes playing she falls asleep on a patch of grass and Michael begins his song. But he is brought in with a bulldozer which in the background the movie changes around the girl. There is only devastation, plowed down land, burning trees. He sings and she wakes up covered in soot and dirt from the activity around her, her face smudged as she looks around upset and confused. Then she looks over and sees a single seedling growing among the burning forest, the only living thing left and she crawls with the bulldozer plowing down land as she tries her hardest to dig up the plant in hopes of preserving the last bit of nature.
It was amazingly symbolic and artistic. And I found it rather sad that because Michael's expression was about love and making a change starting with each of us, it's something beyond that movie we'll never see. If her were still alive I think that was such an amazing visualization of how we as humans can help to save the environment. And it's so striking it really could have made a difference. But, that footage now belongs to Sony and the EPA or other environmental organizations who it would help in order to spread the meaning of it will never be able to get past all the legality issues for it to accomplish it's goal. It's a tragic illustration of how the system sometimes seems to make absolutely no sense at all.
But, maybe other people pay attention to internal musings as much as I. That movie made me pretty thought provoked for reasons beyond what it should have.
Work tomorrow. I've got to get more focused on the GRE thing though I've at least started to try. I've got down some vocab so I guess that's a start. I'm just going to give it my all and see how things go. What's there to lose anymore? All I seem to be losing now is time.
As an aside, that movie didn't help out the fact that "Human Nature" and Lionel Richie's "Hello" have been stuck in my head this week. (-_-;)
So, I'm completely attached to this song. The Lyrics, the melody, the emotion. I'm not certain what it is. Perhaps its the relatibility. I think everyone's felt this way at some point if they've ever been in love with someone.
Oh well. It's my current musical love interest.
And I saw the new BSB video. What's up with the lesbian vampire scenes, and the hot assed girl preying on people in a smog-filled room of bikers. O_O; Not that they didn't hit on my two current interests: Bisexuals and vampires. In fact... I'm still waiting for that lesbian vampire porn to dl. XD
And now I'm shattered (From the chip in my heart, kept taking it till it broke) Oh how it hurts (But it slipped from you hand, hit the ground and now it's shattered) I'm so shattered (Can't believe it was me, I'm so shattered) So shattered (Can't believe, you and me, ahh) So shattered (Can't believe, you left me, shattered) I'm shattered, cut from with-inside, oh
Tell me what you're really here for, If you never really loved me I gave my all but it still wasn't enough
Cause all you had to say was that you ain't Looking for commitment Instead of telling me what I wanted to hear, hey
You took my emotions and scattered them on the ground So hard to just pick up, and move on with life, again
And now I'm shattered (From the chip in my heart, kept taking it till it broke) Oh how it hurts (But it slipped from your hand, hit the ground and now it's shattered) I'm so shattered (Can't believe it was me, I'm so shattered) So shattered (Can't believe, you and me, ahh) So shattered (Can't believe, you left me, shattered) I'm shattered, cut from with-inside, oh
I'm listening to those old-time love songs today. It always amazes me how I judge relationships in the past, how they seem based out of what we should do and who we should be with. But they were also based on pure physical passion sometimes.
We judge that. But, when I look at some of the relationships of yesteryear and the music about pure and honest love for another, it makes me wonder if they had it all right in the first place. But, I guess it still comes down to, there is never one thing that fits us all.
Sometimes I don't think I'm from this time period. Though whether I'd fit in anywhere really is another story. My mindset feels so different from other peoples.
I've been having my nightmares again lately. I suppose I must be missing grandma a lot lately subconsciously. Or it's the fact that my brain is afraid I'll forget her... so it has to remind me in such violent scenes as I'm sleeping. It is what it is, I guess. But I miss her a lot sometimes.
I was thinking about it yesterday. And I realized the reason I've been so head over heels is that she reminds me of my grandmother. The idealism, the stubbornness, that need to protect and help people at the expense of her happiness or her own well-being. Not all qualities to be emulated, but the same ones the person I miss the most on a daily basis possessed.
I don't think about her out rightly everyday, but in everything I do and all the growth I've been trying to make, she's there. And whether she's watching over me or not, I hope that if she was still around she'd be proud of all the progress I've made.
Ha. I remember her asking me if I was gay before. I wonder if she sensed my sexual flexibility before I did. I just feel like... sex is secondary, I guess. A person who makes me happy and loves me is what matters and whatever gender they are, I'll love mind, body and soul because of the emotions.
It is just I suppose an overly emotional-based person's grasp at finding something meaningful.
I'm somewhat torn about it all lately as I've been for some time. Do I hold off on anything else in the hopes that one day things will work out so I can be with her? Or do I continue dating even though my heart somewhat occupied?
I did that with Robert, and that was a long 6 years. So much wasted time, but I don't know if I'd have traded the feeling in for that time back. Though, frankly at my age and where I am mentally I don't know if I can do that again.
I got asked out last night. No big deal. Some guy I've been talking to lately. He's nice, smart and all. It's just coffee or something low-key. But... can I deal with the possibility of someone else? Though frankly what's wrong with just hanging out with new people? It's not as if I have to marry the guy.
I don't know yet. I've been trying to live in the moment lately. But I'm so wired to think of the future that it's a hard concept to follow through with for me. We'll see.
The one thing I've learned from adulthood is, we make our own choices based on the best options at the time. And though we make mistakes, that's alright because we have the power to change them in the end. It's sometimes a lot of work, but if we want it and we try our hardest eventually we'll get there.
So. Here's to making mistakes and I guess piecing together the aftermath. We'll see what happens together.
Currently II By Boyz II Men On Bended Knee see related
I just can't even wrap my head around everything right now. And everytime I do, I just start sobbing.
I don't get it. Why is it that whenever I let myself go, when I let myself be vulnerable enough to have feelings for someone something gets in the way. Robert.. well, he was gay and now her. I've only had two I've felt this strongly about and I'm 0 for 2, aren't I?
I've thought a million things in the past few hours. I've wondered if she's just messing around with me? Is she just playing with my head? But why would she do that? Why would she purposely hurt me?
I don't feel like she would do that.
I just don't even know anymore.
Work doesn't seem to be happening today though I'm supposed to go out with coworkers just to get out of the office. I don't want to go out and cry. Though i don't want to sit here any cry either. Maybe I'll just take the bus home. Or maybe I'll lay here and nap.
I'm obsessed with this song today and I'm not certain why, but I've been listening to it on repeat for hours.
In all honestly, I don't know exactly what to say today. I'm in one of those in between clarity phases, where I don't know what I can say that is complete truth. My mind is just a million places all the time.
But, things are what they are. I'm looking for a part-time job right now. My finances are pretty bad right now. I don't really want to reveal the extent of it, but I've really got to get everything under control, starting with my credit card.
I just got a call that I didn't get a job, to which I'm strangely relieved. That job looked stressful. BUT I've applied a bunch of other places that I think I'd rather work so we'll see how that goes.
OH. On a brighter, note. Spicy Asian Chicken is now in Maryland so... fuck me. I'm screwed, cause now I can't eat healthy at Wendy's. It's fucking impossible to go there and not get either the temptation of cheesy fries or the Spicy Asian Chicken. Both of which make my body want to cry and orgasm all at the same time. It's rahter confusing. O_O
I guess that's about it. I'm totally broke this week. I can't wait until I get paid. *sigh*
I need a damn sugar daddy (or mama for that matter)! Doesn't anyone want to pay my bills? ^_~
