| | Ugh.
I'm not quite certain why I'm here right now but for some reason I felt compelled to bitch/pour my heart out to a computer screen.
I'm in a weird mood today. My life has been rather confusing lately. I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm bi-sexual. At the very least, bi-curious. The funny thing is that it's not as if anything has changed but I've reevaluated a lot of my past and sort of simply come to that conclusion.
I was thinking back on it and I sort of realized there have been females that I'm pretty sure I had some rather strong feelings for. There was Kelly, which was a strange relationship. Not that it was ever sexual, but it was totally one of the strongest emotional bonds I think I ever felt with someone. We always used to talk about how our relationship would be if one of us were a male and sometimes I used to wish so hard that one of us was.
That was by no means a healthy relationship for either of us in what we needed, but I've never felt so completely not-judged. I've also never so-blindly just followed after someone else's beliefs before. For whatever that's worth. It's weird sometimes that we drifted apart as I have to admit a number of the changes in me over the past few years are what I learned from my friendship/relationship with her and a few others.
When it comes to women, I think that's really what it is for me. It's the feelings. I just yearn for something beyond what I've ever felt towards a male. I find women to be gorgeous. The female form is beautiful, it's curves and all have always intrigued me. But, I think any relationship I would have with a female would ultimately come down to my comfort, trust and emotional bond I'd feel towards her. A understanding, sincerity and acceptance I don't think I've ever felt with a man before. It's not so much the physical or sexual components. Those are secondary.
After thinking about it all, I've decided Rob doesn't count anymore really or any of the other men who I've turned out to have feelings for, only to realize they're gay. Neither do any of the men I've dated that end up just wanting a vagina around. In honesty, I've never grown up around men and I just have this tendency not to trust them. They're like children to me in the sense that I have no idea what to say to them about 75% of the time. I'm sure in part this relates back to my father. But, I'm done dealing and fighting those feelings and making sense of them. Though I can imagine it leads back to rejection and abandonment issues.
I recall this chart back in college about sexuality. It was called the Kinsey Scale that we learned about in psychology. I think I fall about a one on there as of right now. Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual but I wonder sometimes why we make sexuality such a big deal at all ?
Perhaps I'm simply asexual after all. *shrugs*
These are all things I've been considering lately. But my current problem is Liz again. I say "again" as if I've ever talked about her before. To one or two people I have. She's some girl that's younger than me that I have this emotional attachment I don't quite understand. I sometimes wonder if it's stronger feelings than I admit but then part of me questions if it's a motherly sort of thing at times.
She disappeared for a few days, about a week or so and when I talked to her yesterday I felt overwhelmingly upset. I can still feel this sadness that I don't quite understand completely. Though I get it to a degree.
Does anyone else have this problem of needing to be needed ? I often do. It's a perpetual thing for me, I think brought on by my low self-esteem. I NEED people to NEED me. And, to need me more than I need them. This isn't true of all my relationships but about 90% of them it is.
And the reason is because if they don't need me... why would they choose to stay ? This is the reason why I always fall for the broken and desperate. The ones that have such a sad story in their lives. I always want to be their salvation. Their white knight... to save them from themselves. But, ultimately no one can save them but themselves and when I run out of me to give, I am the one resented for not being there for them 100% of the time or for being the scapegoat for their problems.
A classic pattern over and over again that I seem to fall into. When will I learn that it's not the key to happiness ? When will I be comfortable enough with who I am physically, mentally and emotionally that I don't need to search for validation and acceptance from others who can't find it in themselves ?
I don't know. But once I found out Liz didn't really need me last night, I sort of broke down and cried. She disappeared and I was completely worried that she was dealing with her depression all on her own, because I thought only I could help her. But, when she left... she had someone else to talk with. Someone who she seems to be thriving being around without the drama of everyone else around. Her life seems to be better when I'm not around to help... which hurts a lot in ways I don't entirely understand.
It's funny how knowing that people are better off without you around. Or that they don't really need you anymore. No matter which one of you it is that has outgrown the other or what simple explanation puts it at the fault on other unrelated things. Like, more time away from situations and more time for focus on other things.
This has caused me to be such an emotional fool today, which makes me feel even more foolish. Having to try not to cry on the bus this morning, feeling that a bus driver giving me a helping hand was like salvation.
Oh. What am I to do with me ?
I was listening to the song "Tourniquet" by Evanescence today. I always feel a strong bond to that song despite the fact that I don't relate to it completely. I relate in the fact that I've attempted suicide long ago in the past. But, I have no connection to the Christian themes of forgiveness that everyone interprets it as. I suppose personally I interpret it differently.
Not that I believe the words are wrong but it's simply certain lyrics that I pay attention to and the emotional haze and feelings of being lost behind them.
I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more.
(So much more)
I'm dying,
And I'm pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal.
I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
Do you remember me ?
Lost for so long.
Will you be on the other side ?
Will you forgive me ?
I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
(Return to me salvation)
(I want to DIE!)
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My wounds cry for the grave.
My soul cries, for deliverance.
Will I be denied ?
Christ! Tourniquet! My suicide.
I interpret these certain lyrics towards myself. Being a borderline atheist, I feel I am my own personal god; my own savior since I believe only I can save myself.
Though I know it was written with the intent of a suicidal individual asking for god to forgive and save them, for me it has a different meaning. It's more a song about learning and asking myself to save me. To stop myself from the actions and emotional bleeding/hemorrhaging I cause myself to feel. To stop me from internally killing myself.
And as I said before, I believe that ultimately you can only save yourself. Others are simply stepping stones to support you along the way. I think maybe that is and that's why I relate to this song. I take it as a "Cf... save yourself and stop causing yourself all this pain.", sort of thing. Hmm. Maybe that's it. I've always wondered...
Oh well. Off to work I guess. Until later. I'm done musing.
|
| | Posted 3/10/2009 9:48 AM - 22 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
