You have to come to a point where you acknowledge to yourself that there is no such thing as physical ugliness, only different variations of beauty. Because like millions of other people out there, some who you may think you wish to look more like, and some who may think they wish to look more like you, you never find security in altering your appearance. You can only find it when you are comfortable walking out into a crowded square with pajamas, your hair all over the place, no make up and sleepy eyes. And i'm being figurative in a way, but i'm being literal, too. There's no reason to be ashamed of your natural order. The way you look when you wake up, the way you look in the middle of the day, the way you look when you're laughing(or crying, or angry, or sad, or have mixed emotions), the way you look after a long day, and the way you look when you're sleeping. And there's no need to lose valuable time in your life over it. For all the downsides in life, there are way too many intriguing elements to miss. That's part of why it's so much easier to be happier as a child, because we tend to care about these things less and be more wide eyed and in the moment.

And then there's who you are inside. People can be very beautiful or ugly there..no question. But when i look at who you are, ugly doesn't come to mind. Still you can never please everyone, and never will. In all honesty, what i think of you doesn't even matter anymore then the next person. Because it all comes down to you. I think sometimes it's hard to love ourselves because we make lists of flaws or what we are led to believe are flaws, more then we make list of qualities and achievements. Sit down with yourself and rather then ask "what am i doing wrong?", ask yourself "what am i doing right?", "what good things do i do?". Just from what you write in your journals, it seems to me you can make a pretty big list. And when you see all the good you do-and not just the attempts to do good that worked out, but also the good intentions that didn't neccessarily work out that time around-you'll realize just how loveable you are. You'll realize how vital you are to others lives, and to making your own all you want it to be. Take care Chrissie. Love,

john