Tourmentdsol's Xanga

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 05:55:22 GMT

So, I went out with Katie today for a little and saw the new MJ movie. It was pretty strange to say the least. There's something about watching something where you already know the tragic end that makes it depressing though I am damn impressed with how amazing of a show that would have been. And rarely do you get a glimpse like that into what someone with that sort of vision goes through when they're creating.

Sadly, it made me really introspective. There was one song that he performs. "Earth Song" where he had this rather artistic mini-flim that played before he preformed. It had the most adorable girl I've ever seen running through this field or meadow. She's surrounded by the beauty of nature, gorgeous waterfalls, lush green vegetation, flowers and butterflies fluttering around. As she finishes playing she falls asleep on a patch of grass and Michael begins his song. But he is brought in with a bulldozer which in the background the movie changes around the girl. There is only devastation, plowed down land, burning trees. He sings and she wakes up covered in soot and dirt from the activity around her, her face smudged as she looks around upset and confused. Then she looks over and sees a single seedling growing among the burning forest, the only living thing left and she crawls with the bulldozer plowing down land as she tries her hardest to dig up the plant in hopes of preserving the last bit of nature.

It was amazingly symbolic and artistic. And I found it rather sad that because Michael's expression was about love and making a change starting with each of us, it's something beyond that movie we'll never see. If her were still alive I think that was such an amazing visualization of how we as humans can help to save the environment. And it's so striking it really could have made a difference. But, that footage now belongs to Sony and the EPA or other environmental organizations who it would help in order to spread the meaning of it will never be able to get past all the legality issues for it to accomplish it's goal. It's a tragic illustration of how the system sometimes seems to make absolutely no sense at all.

But, maybe other people pay attention to internal musings as much as I. That movie made me pretty thought provoked for reasons beyond what it should have.

Work tomorrow. I've got to get more focused on the GRE thing though I've at least started to try. I've got down some vocab so I guess that's a start. I'm just going to give it my all and see how things go. What's there to lose anymore? All I seem to be losing now is time.

As an aside, that movie didn't help out the fact that "Human Nature" and Lionel Richie's "Hello" have been stuck in my head this week. (-_-;)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:14:19 GMT

So, I'm completely attached to this song. The Lyrics, the melody, the emotion. I'm not certain what it is. Perhaps its the relatibility. I think everyone's felt this way at some point if they've ever been in love with someone.

Oh well. It's my current musical love interest.

And I saw the new BSB video. What's up with the lesbian vampire scenes, and the hot assed girl preying on people in a smog-filled room of bikers. O_O; Not that they didn't hit on my two current interests: Bisexuals and vampires. In fact... I'm still waiting for that lesbian vampire porn to dl. XD

http://luvdc.blogspot.com/2009/08/video-premiere-backstreet-boys-straight.html

Faster Ares!! FASTER!!

Shattered

And now I'm shattered
(From the chip in my heart, kept taking it till it broke)
Oh how it hurts
(But it slipped from you hand, hit the ground and now it's shattered)
I'm so shattered
(Can't believe it was me, I'm so shattered)
So shattered
(Can't believe, you and me, ahh)
So shattered
(Can't believe, you left me, shattered)
I'm shattered, cut from with-inside, oh

Tell me what you're really here for,
If you never really loved me
I gave my all but it still wasn't enough

Cause all you had to say was that you ain't
Looking for commitment
Instead of telling me what I wanted to hear, hey

You took my emotions
and scattered them on the ground
So hard to just pick up,
and move on with life, again

And now I'm shattered
(From the chip in my heart, kept taking it till it broke)
Oh how it hurts
(But it slipped from your hand, hit the ground and now it's shattered)
I'm so shattered
(Can't believe it was me, I'm so shattered)
So shattered
(Can't believe, you and me, ahh)
So shattered
(Can't believe, you left me, shattered)
I'm shattered, cut from with-inside, oh

Can't believe, you and me, ahh

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 20:09:52 GMT

I'm listening to those old-time love songs today. It always amazes me how I judge relationships in the past, how they seem based out of what we should do and who we should be with. But they were also based on pure physical passion sometimes.

We judge that. But, when I look at some of the relationships of yesteryear and the music about pure and honest love for another, it makes me wonder if they had it all right in the first place. But, I guess it still comes down to, there is never one thing that fits us all.

Sometimes I don't think I'm from this time period. Though whether I'd fit in anywhere really is another story. My mindset feels so different from other peoples.

I've been having my nightmares again lately. I suppose I must be missing grandma a lot lately subconsciously. Or it's the fact that my brain is afraid I'll forget her... so it has to remind me in such violent scenes as I'm sleeping. It is what it is, I guess. But I miss her a lot sometimes.

I was thinking about it yesterday. And I realized the reason I've been so head over heels is that she reminds me of my grandmother. The idealism, the stubbornness, that need to protect and help people at the expense of her happiness or her own well-being. Not all qualities to be emulated, but the same ones the person I miss the most on a daily basis possessed.

I don't think about her out rightly everyday, but in everything I do and all the growth I've been trying to make, she's there. And whether she's watching over me or not, I hope that if she was still around she'd be proud of all the progress I've made.

Ha. I remember her asking me if I was gay before. I wonder if she sensed my sexual flexibility before I did. I just feel like... sex is secondary, I guess. A person who makes me happy and loves me is what matters and whatever gender they are, I'll love mind, body and soul because of the emotions.

It is just I suppose an overly emotional-based person's grasp at finding something meaningful.

I'm somewhat torn about it all lately as I've been for some time. Do I hold off on anything else in the hopes that one day things will work out so I can be with her? Or do I continue dating even though my heart somewhat occupied?

I did that with Robert, and that was a long 6 years. So much wasted time, but I don't know if I'd have traded the feeling in for that time back. Though, frankly at my age and where I am mentally I don't know if I can do that again.

I got asked out last night. No big deal. Some guy I've been talking to lately. He's nice, smart and all. It's just coffee or something low-key. But... can I deal with the possibility of someone else? Though frankly what's wrong with just hanging out with new people? It's not as if I have to marry the guy.

I don't know yet. I've been trying to live in the moment lately. But I'm so wired to think of the future that it's a hard concept to follow through with for me. We'll see.

The one thing I've learned from adulthood is, we make our own choices based on the best options at the time. And though we make mistakes, that's alright because we have the power to change them in the end. It's sometimes a lot of work, but if we want it and we try our hardest eventually we'll get there.

So. Here's to making mistakes and I guess piecing together the aftermath. We'll see what happens together.

Jaa...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 13:58:16 GMT

I just can't even wrap my head around everything right now. And everytime I do, I just start sobbing.

I don't get it. Why is it that whenever I let myself go, when I let myself be vulnerable enough to have feelings for someone something gets in the way. Robert.. well, he was gay and now her. I've only had two I've felt this strongly about and I'm 0 for 2, aren't I?

I've thought a million things in the past few hours. I've wondered if she's just messing around with me? Is she just playing with my head? But why would she do that? Why would she purposely hurt me?

I don't feel like she would do that.

I just don't even know anymore.

Work doesn't seem to be happening today though I'm supposed to go out with coworkers just to get out of the office. I don't want to go out and cry. Though i don't want to sit here any cry either. Maybe I'll just take the bus home. Or maybe I'll lay here and nap.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 17:44:49 GMT

http://www.ginu.kr/sotm0312.html

I'm obsessed with this song today and I'm not certain why, but I've been listening to it on repeat for hours.

In all honestly, I don't know exactly what to say today. I'm in one of those in between clarity phases, where I don't know what I can say that is complete truth. My mind is just a million places all the time.

But, things are what they are. I'm looking for a part-time job right now. My finances are pretty bad right now. I don't really want to reveal the extent of it, but I've really got to get everything under control, starting with my credit card.

I just got a call that I didn't get a job, to which I'm strangely relieved. That job looked stressful. BUT I've applied a bunch of other places that I think I'd rather work so we'll see how that goes.

OH. On a brighter, note. Spicy Asian Chicken is now in Maryland so... fuck me. I'm screwed, cause now I can't eat healthy at Wendy's. It's fucking impossible to go there and not get either the temptation of cheesy fries or the Spicy Asian Chicken. Both of which make my body want to cry and orgasm all at the same time. It's rahter confusing. O_O

I guess that's about it. I'm totally broke this week. I can't wait until I get paid. *sigh*

I need a damn sugar daddy (or mama for that matter)! Doesn't anyone want to pay my bills? ^_~

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:45:00 GMT

So I'm sitting here at work, having busted my balls for the last 5 hours or so and a song came on that reminded me of being a kid. I've always been a melodramatic individual, even as far back as 4th grade. I remember my first crush moved away over the summer... the little mixed boy I had a crush on.

I'm sure most of you have heard of him. Emilio Stokes. The one that we'd play Santa's workshop outside and I'd sit with my friends and pick honeysuckles for "Christmas presents" while he ran around the basketball courts with my other friends and a jump rope, which they'd pretend to be a reindeer pulled sleigh. I used to be so excited cause I was Ms.Claus and he was Santa. It made my life content at the age of 9 or 10.

Once he moved away I think my little CF heart broke. I was never really boy crazy. Sure, I was into porn pretty young but I had guy issues much like I do now so it was a big things for me to like a boy at that age. Once he moved, that summer I listened to that Expose song on repeat. I vividly remember traveling to Pennsylvania with my cassette single, and singing in the backseat.

"As long as the stars shine down
From the heavens
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me "

A little overly dramatic, ne ? Especially for a boy I never told that I liked him, or that I even doubted knew I had a thing for him. But I remember listening to that all summer and crying a lot. As if he was my meant to be soulmate. As if the world had come crashing down around me.

Has my reactions to life really changed that much since ? Haha. That's debatable. But at least I can see the humor in it now.

I feel strange today. I told a bunch of people I needed space that I talk to on a normal basis. They're too dramatic and I just don't feel like I can handle being in the middle of stupid shit right now. It's been maybe 12 hours and I feel a sense of myself returning. How strange.

It's funny. I see things sometimes people don't want to admit and when they overlook these things I tend to get throughly frustrated. Last night was a bad mental night. Savannah, which is this girl I talk to everyday set me off because she... just allows herself to be constantly treated like shit by this guy who doesn't give a shit about her except when his other friends aren't around. He's such a drama queen and I'm pretty sure he's gay. Sav is bi herself. I... just don't get it.

I mean I remember being blinded by things like that. But... I completely thought she had learned and I was helping her through. I even completely was ready to break up our little online group over it and then after I go through shit she decides she is going to talk to his little pansy ass after all.

I don't know why this set something off in me but it did. I don't know why I allow myself to get attached to people so easily sometimes. It's funny with as much energy as I spend trying to run away from people, how often I find myself attached to people's presence, whether I speak to them often or not.

Once I trust someone, I always trust wholeheartedly even against my better judgement. My father always pulled this on me. And he still does once in awhile. Telling me one thing and then never following through. The frustrating thing is though, as much as I tell myself not to trust him... if he came to me today and said "I love you, and I'm gonna do this for you and the family wants to do that with you..", whatever lie it turned out to be... I would believe him. All because it's what I want to believe. It's what my heart wants to hear.

Why do we always look for this acceptance when we know it's not good for us ? I wish I knew. As I was laying and crying over a bunch of things last night, I thought of grandma. I though about how lonely I've felt since she died. I never really thought about it before, but there's a physical loss I've been feeling without her. The only person I've ever been so affectionate with. Sometimes I just really miss having someone to hug and kiss.

Sometimes I want someone in my life just to hold and lay against. But, I don't want them, because I hate me so much that I think everyone else will too. Most of it is my own physical appearance, but I'm just uncomfortable with who I am in general. And... no matter how much my looks change or I feel like I grow, these insecurities remain. Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever go away.
Why is what i see so ugly ? Why do I have these feelings for myself ? Why can't I learn to love me as easily as others do ?

How come I always have more questions than answers ? *sigh*

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 12:28:10 GMT

Sometimes I don't understand myself or my life very well. It honestly thoroughly confuses me on a daily basis but I find that I learn new things about me everyday, for better or for worse.

I'm listening to the song "Unwell" by Matchbox 20 and it reminds me of who I once was. That used to be my theme song. I was so outwardly a mess and inwardly as well. I don't claim that I'm not one now but I don't think it's the same. I can control myself better on the outside, and I am learning how to at least maintain myself I think. Or how to handle my moods, my outward emotions... though I have moments where I slid back into my old scary self.

Is that called growth ? And are we ever truly satisfied with ourselves ? I don't really know. I wonder sometimes but I do know that at the very least as sad as I am sometimes, I think I'm a little happier than I was a few years ago. And that's at the very least an accomplishment.

I still don't understand what it is that makes me take certain things so personally. It is a character flaw I'll have to continually work on but I realize that people do what they need to, to get by and feel contented themselves. Their opinions or actions are not always a reflection on you, but on themselves and their needs. I just have to learn on applying that to my own emotions.

Eh. What has me in this mood this morning ? A number of things actually. A lot of people I know dealing with a lot of heartache and things. My own internal musings over a few things. Just one of those days I guess where I think a lot. Good luck to the rest of the world in dealing with me. ^_^;

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:48:46 GMT

Ugh.

I'm not quite certain why I'm here right now but for some reason I felt compelled to bitch/pour my heart out to a computer screen.

I'm in a weird mood today. My life has been rather confusing lately. I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm bi-sexual. At the very least, bi-curious. The funny thing is that it's not as if anything has changed but I've reevaluated a lot of my past and sort of simply come to that conclusion.

I was thinking back on it and I sort of realized there have been females that I'm pretty sure I had some rather strong feelings for. There was Kelly, which was a strange relationship. Not that it was ever sexual, but it was totally one of the strongest emotional bonds I think I ever felt with someone. We always used to talk about how our relationship would be if one of us were a male and sometimes I used to wish so hard that one of us was.

That was by no means a healthy relationship for either of us in what we needed, but I've never felt so completely not-judged. I've also never so-blindly just followed after someone else's beliefs before. For whatever that's worth. It's weird sometimes that we drifted apart as I have to admit a number of the changes in me over the past few years are what I learned from my friendship/relationship with her and a few others.

When it comes to women, I think that's really what it is for me. It's the feelings. I just yearn for something beyond what I've ever felt towards a male. I find women to be gorgeous. The female form is beautiful, it's curves and all have always intrigued me. But, I think any relationship I would have with a female would ultimately come down to my comfort, trust and emotional bond I'd feel towards her. A understanding, sincerity and acceptance I don't think I've ever felt with a man before. It's not so much the physical or sexual components. Those are secondary.

After thinking about it all, I've decided Rob doesn't count anymore really or any of the other men who I've turned out to have feelings for, only to realize they're gay. Neither do any of the men I've dated that end up just wanting a vagina around. In honesty, I've never grown up around men and I just have this tendency not to trust them. They're like children to me in the sense that I have no idea what to say to them about 75% of the time. I'm sure in part this relates back to my father. But, I'm done dealing and fighting those feelings and making sense of them. Though I can imagine it leads back to rejection and abandonment issues.

I recall this chart back in college about sexuality. It was called the Kinsey Scale that we learned about in psychology. I think I fall about a one on there as of right now. Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual but I wonder sometimes why we make sexuality such a big deal at all ?

Perhaps I'm simply asexual after all. *shrugs*

These are all things I've been considering lately. But my current problem is Liz again. I say "again" as if I've ever talked about her before. To one or two people I have. She's some girl that's younger than me that I have this emotional attachment I don't quite understand. I sometimes wonder if it's stronger feelings than I admit but then part of me questions if it's a motherly sort of thing at times.

She disappeared for a few days, about a week or so and when I talked to her yesterday I felt overwhelmingly upset. I can still feel this sadness that I don't quite understand completely. Though I get it to a degree.

Does anyone else have this problem of needing to be needed ? I often do. It's a perpetual thing for me, I think brought on by my low self-esteem. I NEED people to NEED me. And, to need me more than I need them. This isn't true of all my relationships but about 90% of them it is.

And the reason is because if they don't need me... why would they choose to stay ? This is the reason why I always fall for the broken and desperate. The ones that have such a sad story in their lives. I always want to be their salvation. Their white knight... to save them from themselves. But, ultimately no one can save them but themselves and when I run out of me to give, I am the one resented for not being there for them 100% of the time or for being the scapegoat for their problems.

A classic pattern over and over again that I seem to fall into. When will I learn that it's not the key to happiness ? When will I be comfortable enough with who I am physically, mentally and emotionally that I don't need to search for validation and acceptance from others who can't find it in themselves ?

I don't know. But once I found out Liz didn't really need me last night, I sort of broke down and cried. She disappeared and I was completely worried that she was dealing with her depression all on her own, because I thought only I could help her. But, when she left... she had someone else to talk with. Someone who she seems to be thriving being around without the drama of everyone else around. Her life seems to be better when I'm not around to help... which hurts a lot in ways I don't entirely understand.

It's funny how knowing that people are better off without you around. Or that they don't really need you anymore. No matter which one of you it is that has outgrown the other or what simple explanation puts it at the fault on other unrelated things. Like, more time away from situations and more time for focus on other things.

This has caused me to be such an emotional fool today, which makes me feel even more foolish. Having to try not to cry on the bus this morning, feeling that a bus driver giving me a helping hand was like salvation.

Oh. What am I to do with me ?

I was listening to the song "Tourniquet" by Evanescence today. I always feel a strong bond to that song despite the fact that I don't relate to it completely. I relate in the fact that I've attempted suicide long ago in the past. But, I have no connection to the Christian themes of forgiveness that everyone interprets it as. I suppose personally I interpret it differently.

Not that I believe the words are wrong but it's simply certain lyrics that I pay attention to and the emotional haze and feelings of being lost behind them.

I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more.
(So much more)
I'm dying,
And I'm pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal.

I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

Do you remember me ?
Lost for so long.
Will you be on the other side ?
Will you forgive me ?

I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.

Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?

My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

(Return to me salvation)
(I want to DIE!)

My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

My wounds cry for the grave.
My soul cries, for deliverance.
Will I be denied ?
Christ! Tourniquet! My suicide.

I interpret these certain lyrics towards myself. Being a borderline atheist, I feel I am my own personal god; my own savior since I believe only I can save myself.

Though I know it was written with the intent of a suicidal individual asking for god to forgive and save them, for me it has a different meaning. It's more a song about learning and asking myself to save me. To stop myself from the actions and emotional bleeding/hemorrhaging I cause myself to feel. To stop me from internally killing myself.

And as I said before, I believe that ultimately you can only save yourself. Others are simply stepping stones to support you along the way. I think maybe that is and that's why I relate to this song. I take it as a "Cf... save yourself and stop causing yourself all this pain.", sort of thing. Hmm. Maybe that's it. I've always wondered...

Oh well. Off to work I guess. Until later. I'm done musing.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 20:27:21 GMT

So, I'm listening to the New Kids On The Block Christmas Album right now (circa 1989/90 or something like that)... and I'm mildly concerned at how much of this thing I remember.

It's funny. As I listen I can remember me ages ago, being a six year old little girl playing in my grandmother's room with my New Kids On The Block barbie dolls as I carried around my fisher price radio/tape player that I used to take with my everywhere. I remember singing at the top of my lungs and prancing around the room.

My poor family. They were so tolerant.

God, I remember my mother in the kitchen and living room with my grandmother. She'd always be baking around the holidays, making all kinds of cookie for her cookie exchanges. She'd make those homemade whoopie pie/oreo cookie things.

I'd sit with my grandmother and mother as we watched Christmas cartoons and taped them. God, I used to watch that stupid glow worms special, the garfield special and that santa bear special over and over again. All year long. My grandmother was the only one other than me who didn't get tired of watching Christmas shows in the dead of summer or spring.

It's funny how something like that can bring back such memories.

It's the first time I felt all warm and fuzzy all day. I may have to by that album just to the memories it spawns.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:25:05 GMT

So, we had our 'money-meetings' today at work. This is the glorious day each year where we sit down and meet with one of the higher ups to talk money (i.e., our raises and bonuses for the year). I'm impressed this year compared to last year since I know business hasn't been as amazing as normal... but I can only imagine what it'll end up amounting to once taxes come out of it. It'll be at least half of it gone. But I'll try to get over it. It's sadly mostly all spoken for anyway. Most of it will go to my horrible credit card. Damn bastards raising my percentage rate to 22.3%... it's not my fault you're near bankrupt wamu!! Time to pay that bitch off and move on.

It completely doesn't feel like Christmas to me this year and I don't know why. As much as I'm trying too, I'm just not feeling the Christmas-y mood. I wonder if anyone else feels that way this year ? Maybe it's the lack of shopping. I love buying other's gifts but like everyone else money is kind of tight right now. It's just an ok holiday. It's not really the same anymore with just mom and me. I can't say I've absolutely enjoyed a Christmas in a number of years. I mean I had an ok one or two... but the magic of it has died a bit as I've gotten older. It generally feels like any other day... except that we seem to force ourselves to feel like it's otherwise.

I usually feel a certain spirit this time of year, a desire to connect with fellow man... but that's about all the meaning it holds for me now that I'm older and borderline atheist. Iappreciate the good it brings out in people, the kindness towards others. Too bad it's not in our minds all year long. I really think that's the most important thing about holidays sometimes. Not the day but the people we remember and celebrate them with. I think I'd apprecate them more if I had a bigger family, but it's hard with two sometimes.

Last night, was rather rought for me. I couldn't sleep and I don't know why. I finally fell asleep around 2 or 3 after moving a number of times between rooms and then finally laying by the heater. Dunno what that was about but it was annoying. I'm rather tired now. If it was up to me, I would have just snuggled up with my kitty today and nothing more. She was being so cute this morning.

Also, I somewhat dread my mother's vacation coming up. She'll ALWAYS be home for like 2 weeks. I'll probably need a slight break at least. Maybe that will make my lack of days off more bearable. Oh well. Not that I don't love her, but her constant presence is overwhelming sometimes. It would be nice to come home to a quiet home sometimes with no one else in it. Just you know.. once in awhile.

Oh the plus side, they're making a graviation remix with Shu as a seme !! For those of you that need this translated for you, it means in my favorite anime's porn books, the young boy who's always getting it up the ass is going to be fucking his boyfriend up the ass instead !! YAYness !! So, at least there's something to put me in the Christmas spirit. (^_^) Thank god for Japan.